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8th March 2007

8:10pm: mem-ries
my friend ehren just sent me a bunch of pics from when i was maybe 14-15 years old... here are a few of them... kills me to see such a baby face, and makes me realize just how little i remember from high school.... i mean, would you look at the fashion? and people wonder why i shudder at skinny jeans and leggings...

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

25th February 2007

1:23pm: master shake and meatwad
yesterday jeff and i went to the skyline restaurant. it's an old place- 70 years old? and they have burgers and shakes and stuff. they only take cash, the shakes are super good and thick, and the 1/2 pound steakburger we split was sooooo goood. the place isn't cliche like stella's- it's the real deal and very unpretentious. i can't wait to take the fam when they come to town.

i did figure out that i have hit the point where i cannot do a quarter pound burger and fries AND onion rings AND a peanut butter fudge malt. um, no. i left stuffed, got home in pain, and instantly fell asleep in the recliner, only to wake up four hours later. eeeevil.

today, grr and joel are over and i just made a huge breakfast, which i am chasing with coffee so that i can get shit done. the house needs cleaning, the bills need paying, and there is ebaying to be done. but right now the game is on, so i'll be watching.

OH! and started carnivale. loving the Kurgan as a priest. totes.
Current Mood: full

17th February 2007

5:01pm: apathy apathy, that's my cry... a-p-a-t- oh, forget it.
it's been so long since i blogged i swear i need to brush cobwebs off the screen. pathetic.

it's gorgeous and sunny and i am sucking down a coffee frapuccino (yes, starbucks, horror of horrors) while basking in the last bits of warm light coming in through the windows. i really should be in the "closet room" cleaning up all of my clothes and shit, but i'll save that job for later. i've been happily sitting on my ass for the better part of the day, reading blogs (thanks to schnozz for showing me the wonder that is google reader) and writing to-do lists for the week. i need to get caught up on work, though i am not so motivated right now. looking around me at all of the ridiculous clutter in my life, i'm at once overwhelmed and depressed, trying to motivate myself toward a different emotion. instead of doing anything about all that needs to be accomplished, i am crossing blogging off my list. see how accomplished i am?

my assistant and i went for lunch today at a new-ish little thai place down the way. it was good, though a bit pricey. they did something i had never seen- a little soup sampler to start us off consisting of 4 little sake cup-sized sips of soup. sadly, it was all pretty cold, but good. their presentation was cute on everything, but i wasn't blown away. maybe this also had to do with the fact that she told me that my boss had invited her to this management-based cocktail party he was planning at his house- she was the only non-management person invited, and he specifically requested that she go. my paranoia fluttered up, making me think of all of the design work i've been giving her, all of the times i sit at my desk while she is creating and doing, and my recent vacation. and let's not even get into the whole pay thing. needless to say it made me think that i need to hustle a bit more at work. i feel like all the vacation and all the busy work at my desk is making her seem more valuable to the company- maybe. or maybe i am just being really, really paranoid. huh. i dunno. i'm a psycho about other people's opinions, so maybe i should just can it and work a little harder (like those 65 hour workweeks aren't enough). there are a lot of things i want and need to do with the department- i guess it is just time to buckle down and DO them. S is a huge part of the department and i am just grateful that she is a good and willing employee. and a good friend too.

J is finally back home and it's good, though i already am feeling the need for him to find that job he needs to find. he's been home, what, a day? yeah, but he's been out of work for what, 18 months? yeah. we had a great time in chicago at the wedding, and he was good and sweet most of the time. generally his family brings out the worst in him, as evidenced by this exchange-

J- "I guess i need to go pick up my tux and the rings now, if you want to go along."
Me- "I will happily go, if you want me along, If not, I am totally cool with staying here"
J's mom- "Listen to how accommodating to you everyone always is."
J- "Yeah, that's cos everyone knows better than to make me do something I don't want to do."

charming, huh?

mind you, he was in a very bad mood due to a conversation we had earlier in the day. he'd been discussing how he feels about children's surnames (and that of spouses) being the same as the father, and i had played a little game of devil's advocate with him to see how he would react. he was pissed, and said that i was essentially setting myself up for a nice, long period of abstinence, which i was floored by. i was all, "whatever", cos once you get him going, he's not likely to give in to anyone. nice and stubborn, my guy.

we talked about it later, and he was much more affable by that point, which led to us having a very nice time all weekend. it still brought up many issues with me- the whole children thing, the whole attitude thing, and our ability to converse in constructive ways. still, we had fun at the wedding and managed to make some headway with our relationship, thank you very much. things have been great since- when we get snappy, we talk it out, and he has been very affectionate and sweet.

oh oh! and i met a new friend at the rehearsal dinner- she's also doing the WW (weight watchers) thing and she and i bonded, then proceeded to pick apart everyone and everything whilst realizing that we may just have been separated at birth. oh what fun!

ok, enough, i should go work on my sad and pathetic mess of a house. tune in next time to find out about the big house hunt (not too much to tell you now, but that should change in a week or so!)
Current Mood: mellow

9th January 2007

9:41pm: i'na iphone
duh. an appletv would be nice too. but no cingular. bleah.

6th January 2007

9:58pm: new year, new focus
so, s read my tarot last night and it was all kinds of sensical. the root of my reading was confusion- and boy, has it been a year of that. new beginnings, new focus, dealing with stagnancy... it was all there. it makes me a little angry to think that i have been walking around in a fog for over a year now- work, personal stresses and the mushpile my body has become have clouded my focus and left me unable to do much but work and pray that i remember to pay the bills on time.

i am looking into buying a house and hoping that this is the right move to make. rent is ridiculous when i can be paying just a little more and making a mortgage. i'm not sure where it will put us geographically, i'm sure further from work, but i think that i can live with that in exchange for the investment i'll be making.

teacing yoga again has brought me a gym membership! yeah! i met with a personal trainer a few days ago and will continue to check in with her as well as work toward being in better shape. i could sure stand to lose some weight before what i have let accumulate becomes a problem. also it's just a good thing to do. tomorrow i am doing a workshop with my teacher, ana. should be hard as hell, but fun. 5 hours of sweaty, nutty, fun.

we have major changes going on at work. major changes no one knows the details about. no one, that is, except for the big guys. gulp.

i've been carrying j's load for some time now and though i have asked him to take a job, things are moving slowly from his end. it's hard to hear about all of my friends' partners contributions and know that we, too could be planning better for the future and getting more out of life by having two incomes rather than one. i am really hoping he gets something soon and takes on his share to take some of the stress off of me. i had no idea this would go on so long, and am starting to worry that i can't do it forever. hopefully this will be the year we get ahead.

confusion is started by letting the little things get too big. i have a lot of work to do.

18th December 2006

11:44pm: office party
catering holiday party



boy left and took my car

i alone

what did i do wrong?

15th December 2006

8:14pm: i am totally NOT dead... yet.
i am on the homestretch of a killer holiday season. my feet are throbbing and i have to go back in a few hours to do breakdown, and to get set up for tomorrow (big big day).

i swear, once in iowa, i will write. in 4 sweet days, i will be home to visit mom and dad, back on central time, and totally up all night after everyone is sleepin.

i swear, i'll write. come after me if i don't!

24th November 2006

1:51pm: weather beacon!
portland has a weather beacon!

since before i existed, a tower in the center of downtown des moines has blinked with lights that change color according to the weather forecast. you can see it from almost anywhere in the metro area. day or night, it is visibly lit to tell the community the current conditions. there is even a little rhyme to help you remember what the colors mean:

"weather beacon red: warmer weather is ahead
weather beacon white: colder weather is in sight
weather beacon green: no change forseen
weather beacon flashing night or day: precipitation is on the way"

for the last ten years i have missed the weather beacon constantly, often doing a random search for a webcam chronicling it's changes, or others who miss it. i've bitched, i've moaned and i've wailed over the loss of this funny little landmark. too many people have heard me talk about the sucker. way. too. many.

one night when i was sixteen, i taught my friend dace all of the little sayings as a way of introducing her to des moines. we were both a little tipsy, standing outside in the parking lot of my friend james' apartment. taking a few minutes away from the party, i pointed out over the skyline at the illuminated tower, and chanted the sing-songy syllables of the rhyme. it was so cold and clear it felt like the stars were tiny shards of ice riddling the sky. i remember feeling larger than life, my heart swelling with pride at the beauty of my hometown. it's a memory where that 500 ft tower of lights takes center stage, and it's a memory i will never lose. the weather beacon is one of my favorite weird landmarks back home. it's just one of those des moines things.

driving in downtown portland i have often noticed a little cylindrical shaped box of lights set atop one of the smaller buildings in town. it has often made me wish for the beacon, though i never knew what purpose the lights served. i think maybe i hoped it might be another weather beacon, but for some reason never followed up on it.

today, i picked up a local magazine to distract me from the pizza they served us for lunch (i was feeling nauseated and really didn't want to put too much thought into the scents and sights of the pizza all around me). i flipped the pages open- right to an article about the little light box. which is a weather beacon. with the same lights for the same purposes. then i did a wiki search for the kcci weather beacon (dsm) and clicked on the highlighted words "weather beacon" and, of course, there was a whole listing of weather beacons including the one here- which has been a portland landmark since 1963. duh! how did i miss this? how come i didn't guess? and then i ran a google search- just because... well, by that time i was obsessing. and wouldn't you know it, the new york times did a story about portland featuring the weather beacon which ran- today! how weird is that?

DUDE. it's right by the museum, too, so i will see it all of the time! unreal. this place reminds me more of dsm daily. is that a good thing?

can i have lightning bugs now, too?
Current Mood: nauseated

22nd November 2006

11:36pm: i finally figured "it" out...
..."it" being what this stupid blog is for. it's gonna be my filter.

tonight, J rolled his eyes and sighed as i began to tell him a story from my day. a story directly linked to the back injury i was experiencing pain from in that moment. i stopped instantly, realizing that, once again, my constant chatter had resulted in a very disinterested audience. i let him watch his seinfeld episode for, like, the 50 millionth time, and when he asked about my story at commercial, instead of telling the story i had originally begun, i told him about my morning.

my morning was not great. i could tell you why it started out pretty bad, but i'll spare you and fast-forward to what i told J. i told him about our food and bev manager. i told him that we had started an inane conversation (actually, he imitated me sighing in a friendly way that invited conversation) and that when i responded to what he had said, L asked me to alert him when i was addressing him directly, so he would know when to pay attention.

it hurt. it really hurt and i just wanted to put my head on my desk and cry. all of my life people have told me that i talk too much. even my mom, when i was small enough to be out of school, but old enough to remember, told me that if i talked as much as i did people wouldn't like me. my ex-husband used to tell J that he would just let me talk and ignore me. my former boss used to say i was like a little song in the background all of the time. my assistant once angrily asked me if i had a filter. some dickhead at work said he didn't like me cos i talk too much. well, guess what, blog? you get to be my filter. cos i am sick of feeling stupid.

i'm off to brine a turkey. and be really, really quiet. really. cos i have my blog.
Current Mood: crushed

14th March 2006

1:58am: 4days
things i like again-

the smell of J's hair when he sleeps
his arms
my ibook
4 days in a row off


begin- i just had 4 days off- unheard of in the events world. it even looks like i'll be able to go to chicago when jeff goes which makes me so happy- maybe i will even get to go to a class at moksha- i should check and see if my teacher will be in town. my god, i haven't taught in nearly 3 months. i never thought i would go so long without teaching yoga. and my body feels like it is going to hell in a handbasket... but tomorrow i plan on going to get my ass kicked thoroughly. i need to be sore in so many ways.

4 days! odd, really... my last day "on" i had my first placement shoot for one of the local magazines- it was too funny to sit and tweak a silly floral arrangment for 2 hours, discussing lighting and texture, but it was a blast. the guy, the photographer, funny enough, was from chicago. he said he was a sox fan beacuse he gave up on getting tickets to wrigley games. whatever! it was good to have some common ground though. i think we may have gotten the cover.

back to work tomorrow- but i can't think of a more pleasant way to start the week- possibly am yoga class (though squirrel will want to go in the pm, V is sick, so i don't know if she will leave her) then meeting at work with me working throughout- the meetings rarely pertain to floral stuff, so i curl up by the fireplace and work on the web. it's cozy and usually i get a default backrub or two as people try to get a glimpse at what i am doing. i really do need to purchase one of those privacy (said prih-vuh-cy in my mind, god knows why...) screens, but i hesitate in case i end up with a powerbook next go round or a bigger ibook. f-it, i should just buy the damn thing already.

sheet, is it really almost 2? the newshour was on and i totally worked through the whole thing. i have to go give the cat eardrops- she has yeast in her ears and it is all off balance. hence once-a-day wrappings in a towel while i pin her down and clean her ears, then holistic drops 2x a day. pleasant, but i wonder if she is into it a little, as she mewls and cries, then purrs like crazy. my little lover...

Current Mood: sleepy

8th January 2006

12:17am: things i like
the smell of body shop nut body butter
toast with butter
driving in iowa at night during summer
boozy picnics
bacon wrapped figs
lightning and thunderstorms
really great hair
jurlique lotion- the wrinkle stuff
naked lady lilies
gone with the wind and the sequel, even though it's an awful book
my cats
lighting fixtures, wood, glass
playing in the dirt
being held sometimes
thai beaches
the ocean

7th January 2006

11:38pm: how many times can i tell myself it is all (about) coming?
i just finished looking at an absolutely adorable girl and her family and her life on an absolutely adorable blog. she is a year younger than me. she has a darling daughter and a doting husband. her house is also darling. her life is gorgeous. it all seems effortless. i do have an inkling that she might not be as sexual as i might like, but it's all so pretty and hipster. ugh, what am i thinking?

i work constantly at a job i am really good at to support myself and my boyfriend. i am optimistic one day this will all pay off and his longterm project will come to fruition and we will be ahead of the game. we already have a beautiful relationship, great chemistry and a pretty nice life- it would be good to be out of debt and have the stress of that off of our backs.

i wonder what he will do next. we talk about it but it seems all over the place. i can't imagine what i would do if i didn't have 20 bazillion things going on. i don't know that he feels the same way. i would just like to have a place with more light and a little more freedom in my work, but that's all time, i suppose. time and hard work.

the film is great.
Current Mood: contemplative
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